June 1, 2008


Female Mysteries

by Jodie Baker

The other day the men in my office began their usual pointless pondering about one of the great female mysteries. The three women in our small company had closed the wall-length window against the 3 degree wind that rages around our part of the country in April. It’s hard to type when your fingers are numb and your coat sleeves keep getting in the way. This caused the men to return to their tiresome round of:

“Women are always bleating on about how cold they are.”

“Why are they always so cold?”

“You buy them a scarf and they never wear it.”

Why anything we say should affect them I can’t work out as they’ve all got that genetic super-trait of selective hearing working perfectly. Still, I don’t like people to be confused, so I felt I had to explain this little enigma to them. Anyone who has ever wanted to know the answer to this particular temple secret, please read on.

1. Hair - we don’t have any. Oh, we have that obvious ‘crowning glory’ men are always banging on about but most of us wander around with legs, armpits ands groins divested of hair. Hair is a human’s natural coat, designed to help us keep all our internal organs toasty. In a British winter, women are like sad, shaved poodles, all because men heard that touching stubble makes you fancy footballers.

2. Fat - we don’t have any. Fashion magazines tout the skinny image, men get indecently excited by it and suddenly there’s a lot of hungry little mammals wandering around who haven’t stocked up for winter. If bears were as skinny and hairless as us, they’d be extinct. Those who can survive where bears can’t really should not be tagged as the weaker sex.

3. Underwear - I think you can follow the trend. I know, I know, thongs are sexier than thermals, but maybe we could marry the two to create the thermal thong with all around heating pads? No?

So men, stop bitching and bring us some tea, we’re freezing over here.

Jodie Baker is a recently graduated history student who now works, like thousands of other women, in a job which has nothing to do with her degree. She loves to read and write about books, and she currently has a column in Estella’s Revenge entitled ‘Sure, I Know the Queen’. She dreams of working in a creative industry and proving her primary school deputy head teacher wrong about his ideas that “not all children can grow up to be pop stars and footballers; many will have to work in an office…”. To further this dream she sells handmade jewelry at Pretty Little Love Objects and details the joys of the handmade revolution at the shop's companion blog.